This has been one of the SCARIEST WEEKENDS EVER. Hands down. No question.
Yes - I am talking about the same weekend. God is good. All the time. This weekend I was given an amazing opportunity to do something - by the grace of God alone - that I never planned to do. And we all made it through!
When Pastor Matt told me I would be preaching I tried to ignore it. But it didn't go away. So I started praying. I prayed and I listened. And God answered. God pointed me in a direction. He spoke to my heart. And He gave me the words. I have to say - I didn't take them easy. Of course I had other ideas about what I should say. I wanted the motivational stuff. The stuff everyone wants to hear... the stuff that makes them feel warm and cozy and comfortable. But instead He pointed me to a verse about denying ourselves and carrying our crosses daily. Hm. That's not always taken well. That's not what someone wakes up on a Sunday and hopes to hear.
But I listened. And I followed. I read a book (a GREAT book) called Not A Fan. It spoke about the need for us to be followers of Christ - not just fans. I knew that this was the start of what God wanted to share through me. So I basically started to write a book report. By Saturday night (the night before the sermon!) I was overwhelmed. I was confused. I lacked passion. I had worked so hard trying to take this book and fit it into a neat 20 minute "sermon" with references from my commentaries and illustrations of my own but it was all wrong. It turns out what I was trying to do was present the author's words... but what I needed to do was present God's Words. Around midnight I knew what needed to happen. I needed to start over.
I prayed. I listened. I wrote. And God made it happen. The subject of the sermon remained the same: Luke 9:23 and Not A Fan was a great resource but God made the sermon His. By 2 AM I could write no more! I needed sleep. Although I had the main outline done - the sermon itself was only halfway. I woke up early Sunday morning to finish. I prayed. I listened. I wrote. And God made it happen. I headed off to church (late) picked up the donuts and spent the morning with my [church] kids singing songs and playing games. I wanted to obsess over the words of the sermon but I didn't have time. I don't know where the morning went but in a blink it was TIME. And I was in tears. I was a nervous wreck. I somewhat composed myself and was good - as long as no one talked to or looked at me! And then it hit me. I needed to pray again. So I prayed. And I fell. I prayed and I fell so hard on God like I never have before. I relied on Him more in those hours of preparation and those minutes before presentation than I have in my entire life. I gave it ALL to Him. Not that He needed my reminders - but I reminded Him that I DID NOT know what I was doing. I reminded Him that I could NOT do this but that I knew He could.
During the last song before I had to go up my mind went blank and for a moment I started to panic again (think Peter on the water...) I was planning my escape from the sanctuary (think Runaway Bride...) and then it hit me AGAIN. I needed to PRAY. I prayed - literally - "God, YOU'VE got this." I got to do my motivational speaking after all! Only it was directed at God... haha In that moment my nerves calmed (ALMOST completely) and as long as I relied on Him only and trusted in Him alone (not on my own abilities or merits) I knew everything would be fine. And it was. I don't exactly know what I said up there. It is all a blur. But I know - with every fiber of my being - that God showed up. It was one of the most humbling moments of my life.
Every time I am blessed to be used by God I am humbled. I do not understand it. I do not know why I get to do this. I am not what you would expect. I am tremendously flawed. I am not able. I certainly am not worthy. Yet God takes what little I have and uses it for HIS GLORY.
This experience, this special time with God, has opened my life/my spirit/my soul back up. I feel like a new person.
No comments:
Post a Comment